Bump, Bump, Bump it up

Here is my 1st photo project in honor of you kiddo. Your Dad wants to make it into a flip book for you after you are born. Watching you grow via my baby bump every step of the way. They aren't kidding when they say you show a lot sooner with your 2nd pregancy. You should see me after I eat dinner :)

All my marbles

  Soooooo I’m really starting to wonder if this whole bleeding/spotting thing is going to go on for the rest of this pregnancy. Am I really going to be one of those ladies who has to deal with this obnoxious, nail biting, infuriating, anxiety producing side effect for the whole nine months? Don’t I have enough worry on my plate? Will the pregnancy God’s have any mercy on me at all? I’ll be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I’m hoping that the random kicks I’ve felt from my sweet little “Danger” over the last few weeks start picking up soon so I can get a more regular reminder that “Hey Mom, I’m here! I’m ok! Did you feel THAT? *Bam!* How about THAT? *Sha Zam!* ” Sometimes it feels as though I am hanging onto my sanity by just a teeny tiny thread. And yet from all of the books that I’ve read on the subject of being pregnant again after a full term loss, I seem to be riiiight on track with my thought patterns and OCD like behavior. So maybe I won’t loose all my marbles after all!

  On a lighter note we get to have our anatomy scan in less than 3 weeks! While I am super excited to find out if you are a girl or a boy, I’m definitely more concerned with how your heart and other major organs are developing. I’m also very curious to see if that stinkin’, no good, ugly hematoma has gone away. I’m hoping, praying and thinking positive thoughts that it shall be gone by then and that you will be healthy and happy as can be! Love you so much my lil schanookems~Mama Bear

Cry me a river

  Hello my little naval orange sized baby. I got to hear your heart beating again today. The sweet deal I have going with our obgyn means I get to pop in anytime I'm feeling anxious and have a quick listen to your glorious heartbeat! Since I was having more spotting this morning it seemed like a good idea. My blood pressure said so too, the nurse said it was a lovely 140 over 90. I think they need to start taking my blood pressure AFTER I hear your heart beat when I've calmed down a bit. It's not usually high, it's usually on the low side. Anyways, you sound good kid! Keep up the good work!

  I went to the store to grab a few things after leaving the doctors office. I got distracted by the Halloween candy and obsessed over all of the peanut/chocolate combos for a good 10 minutes. I'm avoiding eating peanuts while pregnant since I'm pretty sure I had a slight allergy to them when I was pregnant with your sister, so I grabbed some junior mints instead. The Christmas lights display is already set up in the store and I found myself starring at the lights and crying a lil bit. Not unusual to be crying these days. I cry when I sit down to eat dinner, looking at your Dad, talking about our dog Bella, stupid commercials, listening to any kind of music and on most of all when I think of you. I actually had a happy thought while looking at those Christmas lights, how this would be the 1st Christmas in about 6 years that your Dad & I would have a dare I say a very MERRY Christmas! The year we got married was the last really happy holiday season we had. My Grandma Ellie died the following December and every year after that we spent thinking about how much we wanted to be pregnant and have a baby of our own to celebrate the holiday with. Trying to get pregnant year after year with no luck at all will suck the joy right out of any festive family event. 2010 being the most miserable holiday season imaginable, 2011 wasn't much better as we struggled to get pregnant again and dealt with some ongoing family troubles. But here we are approaching the holiday season of 2012 with so much hope and love in our hearts that it's enough to make me ball my bloody eyes out! As my Grandma Ellie would say anytime someone cried or got over emotional "Oh, cry me a river!" Or "Cut the s#i*"...either/or haha. She was a hot ticket with the mouth of a trucker. Did I tell you that the 1st due date for you is actually Grandma Ellie's birthday? Yeah April 7th, what a co-ink-i-dink! I'm pretty sure we were supposed to take that as a sign that she is watching over you verrrry closely. It sort of makes me wonder if you will be anywhere near as spunky as she was. Here is the picture I'm painting of you in my head based on the dreams I've had, your future astrological sign and all of the crazy adventures you've had in my womb thus far. A light haired little girl (or boy who knows!) who isn't afraid of anything, including speaking her/his mind. You'll have a taste for adventure (with a nickname of Danger who wouldn't?) and a high energy level with the infamous Mattson shaky leg syndrome (you'll notice this anytime you see your Dad or Grandpa Rod sitting still). You'll have a melodious singing voice and will be able to sing "Cry me a river" and other standards with some serious soul. Am I close? Time will tell! Either way kiddo, I love ya XoXo ~Mamasita

Eyyeee witchu (Ellie's with you)

 


  Two years ago today I was in labor, getting ready to give birth to your sister Ellie who had passed away suddenly the day before. We didn't know why she had passed, the early stages of labor had started the night before. She was active and very much alive when I went to sleep late that night. By the time I woke up she wasn't moving. They would never find a definitive answer as to why she passed. When she was born the cord was wrapped around her ankle twice which seemed to be the only real possibility of an answer. We chose not to have an autopsy done. We learned that in half of these cases of stillbirth they wouldn't find a reason anyways, so why bother. The thought of her perfect little body being cut into was just too harsh for us, we wanted her left at peace. She was just too beautiful and precious to even consider that. We agreed to have a sample of her tissue tested for chromosomal abnormalities done, which came back normal.

 Going through the induction process, knowing that I had to do all of the work without any of the perks was definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I remember just thinking to myself that I just wanted to meet her, hold her and see her face. I knew she was gone, I knew we would be planning a funeral in the days and weeks following her birth but I still had this tiny amount of excitement left to finally see the little girl we fell in love with over the past 9 months. The little girl we had hoped and dreamed of for years, our miracle. Our Ellie Faith.

  I don't consider myself extremely religious but I felt the presence of God in the room with me that day. A feeling of peace and grace hung over the room as I pushed. I didn't yell or scream, I wasn't mad. I just focused on giving her the most dignified and beautiful delivery I could muster. I just loved her through it just like I had done every day before that. About 24 hours after the induction began and 3 hours of pushing she peacefully arrived. They handed her to me and the love multiplied. Her warm body fit perfectly in my arms. I'll never forget the weight of her and the shape of her cute little bum (a round Polish bottom like her Mom). She looked exactly as I had dreamt of her. A full head of dark brown hair, big eyes like her Daddy, a perfect little nose and deep red lips. Your Daddy held her so gently, I don't think I've ever loved anybody more than I loved the two of them in that moment. They looked so perfect together. They were and are my family.

  Our families were there that day waiting for her to arrive. I'll never forget my sisters rushing into the room first as I introduced her to them "This is Ellie Faith". Everyone was in tears as the hospital minister gave a blessing for Ellie. I held her and tried to memorize all of her features still in shock as to what was happening to us in that moment. Some days it's very easy to go right back to that moment and how it felt. Today is one of those days.

  Life goes on as they say. But just like every other parent does, we think of her everyday. I wouldn't have it any other way. She was the very best thing that ever happened to me and I'm so thankful for the time I had with her. I love how she sends her little hellos to us just when we least expect it. It makes me laugh and amazes me every time. Your cousin Quinn has a very sweet connection with Ellie and has let me know on occasion in her own words that "Eyyeeee witchu". I like how matter of fact she is about it. Yesterday we had a cake for Ellie at her house and Quinn told me that "We go to Kerry's house and sing happy birthday to Eyyeee over dere. Then we look at Eyyee's picture! Oh boy!" I hope you have as sweet a connection to your sister as she does. A good friend sent a message to me today remembering Ellie. In it she said that "I know the little one in your belly played with his/her sister Ellie in heaven before making his/her way to you". I thought that was such a cool way of thinking of you and her. Like Ellie had a personal say in the next soul to come into our lives. She had a quick talk with you and said "you'd be a perfect fit!". Anyways, we love you both and are so happy and proud to be parents to two beautiful souls. Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday to your big sister Ellie. Let it shine my love!

Saaaay Cheeeese!

  Your Mom is a photographer so get used to hearing "Say Cheese!". It looks like you are pretty much smiling in this ultrasound shot. And even though you are only 13 weeks 4 days here you already look like your Pops & your sister. You were very active during the ultrasound. You kept doing this laid back pose with your long legs stretched out and your hands behind your head. As if you were sending your nervous nelly folks a message to "Relax guys, I got this".

 The hematoma that's caused us so much greif is looking old and coagulated now said the ultrasound tech. Hopefully this means it won't be there too much longer. My guess is that by our 20 week ultrasound it will be gone. Aaaand by the 20 week ultrasound we should be able to tell if you are a boy or a girl. Since I recently had a dream about the day you are born and you were a girl in that dream, my guess is that you are a girl. You will learn that I have lots of dreams that end up coming true, about all sorts of things but especially about babies. I tend to know when friends or relatives are pregnant before they even know it and while it's kinda freaky it's also kind of awesome. In this lovely dream I had of you and your birthday the nurse handed you to me and you had rockstar hair and lots of it, just like Ellie did, but your hair was much lighter, blondish and you had a really funny cowlick in the front. You looked a lot like your Dad and a bit like Ellie, but different. Point is you were cute and more importantly ALIVE! In the dream I was holding you in my right arm and I looked down at my belly and I could see the stitches from the c-section and I was crying. The nurse asked if everything was ok and I said "Yes it is. I'm just so happy that the surgery went well and that she is here and she's alive!" After waking up from this dream it was the 1st day in a long time that I felt like this could really turn out to be the amazing gift we're hoping for. I sat in the nursery and stared at the closet full of adorable clothes that everyone bought for Ellie and imagined you in them. I was able to think about you sleeping in that empty crib and filling our home with the best noises we'll ever hear...your cries, coos and giggles. I want to hang onto that feeling. You are wanted & you are loved little one.

Just checking

You still there? Mmmmm-k good. Just checking. I had to make a quick run to the doctors office to confirm your beating little heart. It's a beautiful sound I say! Our new doctors office has been great. They are really friendly and  most of the staff already know me by name (could be from my 4 visits to the office in the past 2 1/2 weeks ha!) and don't make me feel like a nuisance at all. Next week your Dad and I get to see how you are doing in there on an ultrasound. Hopefully you are quite comfy in there and that silly hematoma is just shrinking up and leaving my baby alone! Ok, love you long time ~Mommy

You'd be surprised how much a pregnant woman can bleed and be ok - September

  Dr. C was right, I'm very surprised at how much a pregnant woman can bleed and still be ok. After this weekends ER extravaganza I continued to bleed quite a bit for the next few days. The red blood eventually turned brown which means the blood was older and in pregnancy that's usually good news. It's very strange to be pregnant and bleeding and it's hard to get used to. Pregnancy is supposed to mean a break from period related bologna like pads and cramps. I'm obsessively checking myself for blood. Anytime I feel anything slightly leaky going on I run (ok slowly walk since I have to take it easy) to the bathroom to make sure disaster hasn't struck. And this happens a lot since I'm constantly leaking from the progesterone suppositories I'm on twice a day (yes pregnancy is THAT glamorous)

  My confidence has really been shot. I know I must come off as a hot mess to your Dad and our whole family but you can't really blame me. We've been through hell and back loosing your sister and to go through another pregnancy that is turning out to be rather complicated thus far is the dang icing on the cupcake. I'm trying to stick to my positive pregnancy thinking mantra "I'm pregnant today and I'm thankful for that." because it's true. I want to be excited about being pregnant with you but I guess I'm just really scared of loosing you too. I'm working on it. Hang in there kiddo ok?

Danger, Danger Mattson

  Just minding my biznaz today, lying on the couch taking it easy and all of a sudden I'm bleeding. I'm  9 weeks pregnant and I'm bleeding. This is not good news. I call Dr. C and he asks me if I'm cramping and how heavy the bleeding is. I'm not too crampy, just light period type cramps. The bleeding is red and I'm passing some clots. He tells me if the bleeding gets heavier, I pass any large clots and the cramping gets worse to go to the Emergency Room (conveniently located 2 mins from our house). I try calling your Dad but he is taking his 1st day off in a while to go hiking with his Dad. No cell phone, no worries for him. Just good clean mountain air, while I'm bleeding & freaking out at home. Of all the days!

  Luckily your Aunt Jenny lives next door and she comes over to keep me company. About an hour later the bleeding picks up and I pass a large clot. Following instructions I remove the clot from the toilet and place it in a small tupperware container to take with me to the ER. Your Aunt Jenny comes back over and drives me and my clot container to the ER. The cramping and bleeding pick up when we get there. I'm totally devastated. How can this be "it".

  My Mom & Dad arrive. It feels like we are back at the hospital waiting for your sister to be born, still. It's so strange, I'm only half there. The rest of me is in that safe place your mind takes you when disaster strikes. We send Grandpa to wait at your Aunts house, your Grandma sticks around with me while I wait for whatever is about it happen.

  The ER Doc arrives & briefly looks at my clot sample. I tell her if it's fetal tissue that I'd like for them to keep it for testing for my fertility doctor, he might want that done. She agrees and then they set me up for a pelvic exam. Sweet LORD, the fun never ends with this gal, I think this is what Betty White meant when she says these things (vagina's...I said it) take a pounding. After said pounding, I mean pelvic exam, it's inconclusive. The bleeding seems to be slowing a bit and my cervix is closed. The ER Doc says it could be that the clot I passed was the fetal tissue and now my cervix is closed up, it could be getting ready to open or it could be just bleeding. The ER Doc leaves and I ask the nurse what a typical miscarriage feels like. She says the cramping is usually very painful like labor pains (mine was not like labor cramps at all) and the bleeding would be very heavy, not so much like what I was having. But it was hard to say.

 We waited around for an ultrasound to see what was happening in there and if you were still in there...alive. About 4 1/2 hours after I arrived it's go time.. A long & squeaky wheeled ride down the hall to the ultrasound room reveals You, wiggling about in my uterus completely oblivious to the subchorionic hematoma driving your Mother to her absolute wits end. Your tiny arms and legs are doing a very Dad like dance while the hematoma sits right on top of my cervix causing a literal bloody mess. The baby looks great, measuring right on target they say. The hematoma is going to cause more bleeding but it seems to be in an ok position as far as safety for the baby goes. Wait and see they say. She wheels me back to my ER room and I give my Mom the thumbs up. I tell her that if this kid makes it out alive we should use the name of Danger. Your Dad calls me on his way home to talk about his hike. Totally unaware of our trip to the ER and the bloody mess. He realizes quickly he won't be hiking again for a long time. Just another day in the life of  you & your pregnant Mama. Who loves ya? I do! I do!

Proud of yaaa

So we officially graduated to our regular Obgyn after your super awesome appearance on the ultrasound this week. Proud of ya kiiid! We're seeing a new doctor this time around in a new office conveniently located 2 minutes from our house which also happens to be 2 minutes from the hospital. Dr. C was happy to see me there and pregnant! I saw him about a year ago when we decided to try some common fertility meds (the evil mood shifter called Clomid that makes you hot flash and rage out at your spouse so you can have a small chance at ovulating and make a baby) before heading back into official fertility treatment with Dr. H. We didn't know at the time that I had an infection in my uterus that was preventing me from getting pregnant that had been there since I delivered your sister a year earlier. We wouldn't find that out for a few more months after having a surgery/test done that insurance requires after you have a 3rd trimester loss. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't make this up if I tried! Anyways, Dr. C was really nice and insisted that I come into the office anytime I want even if it's just to check the heart beat. Anything they can do to keep up relaxed they will do. I was pretty happy to hear that. I don't plan on being a high maintenance preggers this time around. I still feel like I will be able to stay pretty calm through most of the pregnancy. I feel like the closer I get do our due date, the harder it will be for me since that was when we lost Your sister (on her due date). We are planning on having a scheduled c-section this time around about a week or 2 before you are due. It's nice to know we are going to a doctor that is willing to deal with our extra "quirks" and worries. I really think it will be pretty easy going for now though. I feel good. Nauseous and tired, but good.

It's ALIVE!!!

  So today we got to hang out in the doctors waiting room for a full hour to find out if you were actually in my uterus, with a heartbeat. I could barely sit still in the waiting room (it was driving your Dad a lil crazy). I was so nervous and excited and wondering, could there really be another baby in there...alive? The whole heart beat thing really throws me off now. The day your sister died we found out when they couldn't find her heartbeat on the Doppler and then an ultrasound confirmed she was gone. Needless to say, heartbeats & ultrasounds scare the crap out of me. When they finally called us into the office, my favorite ultrasound tech Deb was there and she was excited. She is really rooting for all of us. You popped up on the screen with a beautiful heartbeat right away.

  I teared right up, grabbed my chest (to make sure my heart was still beating) and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Your Dad looked pretty stinking happy to see you, it was a very sweet moment. Doctor H pointed out something on the ultrasound saying there was a small area of blood in the uterus. I said, "It's a subchorionic hematoma right?". He laughed and said "Yes it is, very good." I had the same thing with my 1st pregnancy so I knew what it was. He told me I might have some bleeding but it should be fine, 20% of pregnant women get them it's very common. I'm not worried about it. I'm just so very happy to have a chance at being a Mom again. Being pregnant with your sister was the very happiest time in my life. I loved being pregnant with her and I hope despite all my extra worry and fear this time around, that I will love being pregnant with you too. Right now I'm so happy you are here...alive. Keep up the good work kiddo, your Mama loves you already!

Welcome tiny fetus, in 9 months will you come greet us?

Mom- "Dear tiny, beautiful blastocyst, welcome to my womb! Thank you for joining us, we've been waiting for you for quite some time. After months & months filled with surgery, blood tests, hormone injections, awkward early morning transvaginal ultrasounds and three failed IUI's we were finally allowed by our insurance company to move forward with IVF! Your Dad & I were pretty excited about starting IVF because we had success with our 1st round of IVF 2 years ago resulting in the pregnancy of your older sister Ellie."

blastocyst Mattson -"Older sister!?!" you think to yourself "Waahoo! Can't wait to meet her!"

Mom- "Yeahhhhhh, about that lil buddy. Well your beautiful, big sister Ellie actually passed away just before she was born. Soooo she's still your big sister and I KNOW she is looking out for you, but you won't get to meet her. Not here on this earth."

blastocyst Mattson -"That really stinks Mom. I'm sorry. I'm know I'm only 5 days old but, does this mean I'm kind of a big deal then?"

Mom- "You have no idea how big of a deal you are. You are wished, hoped & prayed for and loved by so many people already. But no pressure ok?"

blastocyst Mattson - "Yeah, no pressure. Hey Mom?"

Mom- "Yeah?"

blastocyst Mattson - "Why do you keep calling me blastocyst and what is IVF?"

Mom - "Ask your Dad. Hey Blastocyst Mattson?"

blastocyst Mattson- "Yeah Mom?"

Mom - "Will your Dad & I get to meet you in 9 months?"

blastocyst Mattson- "That's the plan, but what do I know, I'm only 5 days old?"

Mom- "Good call, you are wise beyond your days little one. I guess that's why they say "you're expecting". I'm expecting that we'll get to meet you & bring you home with us. But we learned the hard way after loosing your sister Ellie, not everything turns out how you expect it to. Life lesson #1, it ain't fair."