Good afternoon my mango sized
schnuggle love muffin. I’m trying out a few nicknames on you. After deciding to
publicly share my blog to you over the weekend it was brought to my attention (by
a very smart & caring person) that I should consider not calling you by the
nickname Danger. Not that I walk around the house rubbing my belly, signing “Danger
Love, my DANGER love” because I don’t. The whole Danger thang is really just a joke
that I blurted out in that scary ER visit we had. I call you my love, sweetie pie,
schnookems, cupcake and other loving names when I talk to you. The point of this
nickname suggestion change was based in a healers mind, that words and thoughts
have power & energy & that it might relieve some stress or anxiety I have
if I only address you in the most positive ways. I totally agree, even though Danger
sounds totally kickbutt ;)
This is not the first time that
I’ve thought about words and intentions and what energies you put out into the world.
I’ve thought about that quite a bit, especially over the last few years. Being thrown
into emotional turmoil will bring a lot of things like that into focus. In the months
following the loss of your sister emotions were obviously running high for us and
many of those that we loved. I think that trauma brings you back to the basics in
life in so many ways, especially your instincts. Do you know that feeling when you
walk into a room where a fight or argument just took place? You might not even know that it happened yet but the feeling
is heavy, awkward & uncomfortable. It’s the same thing when someone who has been
stewing over something walks into the room, they don’t have to say a thing and you
ask them “WHAT is wrong?”. I think that’s why so many people hate going to the hospital,
because there is so much scared, nervous & negative energy hanging in the air
that it overwhelms you. Well when you are in crisis, you are so much more sensitive
to all of those energies and intentions of the people around you. It put some personal
relationships to the test and in some cases fail. There were a lot of disappointments.
Some people that we thought would be there to help me & your Dad through went
missing, some fell short, some even lashed out at us when we were hurt. We had to
try and step back and look at what their true intentions were and realize that some
people just aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with this level of grief. We were
actively working through the stages of grief while other people went into denial,
got defensive or shut down completely. We grew so much by dealing with our loss
head on. In fact, we grew so much in such a short period of time, that we outgrew
some of those relationships and people who weren’t able to grow with us. While there
was much pain and disappointment that went with this we knew that it wasn’t uncommon
by any means. In a way we were lucky because it was only a small handful of people that this happened with. We were also amazed by all of the people in our lives who were willing to
get emotionally deep down and dirty with us. Some people were really willing to
just go there with us. Some people just “get it”. They weren’t afraid of talking
about Ellie and how they felt about losing her or what she meant to them or talked
about their own personal losses. They read books on grief, talked to counselors
and just in general shared themselves with us. They weren’t afraid to be around
us but also were completely understanding when we needed our space. That’s what
we needed. People being authentic with us. Nobody knows what to say when someone
we love dies, there isn’t much to say other than “I’m sorry, we loved and miss her
too.” and just being there to listen. It’s really so simple. If someone came to
us with love and kindness in their hearts, we felt it. It’s all about the energy.
We were totally taken aback by the outpouring of love and support from a large number
of our family and friends and in some cases perfect strangers. We were blessed in
numbers in that department for sure. We’re so incredibly grateful for them and we
know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in that department. I know you
will experience this ginormous amount of love and support when you arrive, you already
are! So many family and friends are sending you their best energies, love and support
all of the time! I know you must feel it because we sure do, it’s the best! I’m working hard everyday to provide you with the
most peaceful, loving environment that I can. Anxiety free? Maybe not but I’m working
on it & guess what else? I love you! I love you! I loooooove youuuuu!
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