You're my Boy Blue! YOU'RE MY BOY!

  Today was a very exciting day for you, me & your Daddy! Today was your anatomy scan at the doctors office and we were able to see you in action and it was a beautiful sight my sweet! They looked at all of your major organs and confirmed that you were growing healthy and normal and even a little ahead of schedule. You were very active, kicking back at the ultrasound tech wherever she pushed around. We saw the details of your heart, you sucking your thumb, yawning and waving and stretching those long fingers and toes. They told us you will most likely be very tall with those nice long leg measurements.

  Today was also the day that we got to find out if you were a boy or a girl and I was kind of nervous about it. When I was pregnant with your sister I didn’t have a preference about having a boy or girl, but with you from the beginning I felt like having another little girl would be so great. I was so used to the idea of being a Mommy to a little girl that my heart was leaning in that direction. I was a little bit afraid on how I would feel when we found out, I didn’t want to feel disappointed because I love you so much already and I’m so excited & grateful for your presence in my life. And at the end of the day I truly, honest to goodness do.not.care if you are a boy or girl I only care that you are healthy. It’s just another slightly more emotional side to expecting a new baby after losing one. Anywho, not too far into the ultrasound you made it perfectly clear to us and the ultrasound tech that you were a BOY!! Holy smokes a boy! I looked over at your Dad and he had the biggest, proudest, sweetest smile on his face that it made me start crying. Being able to see that smile on his face after all the pain he’s been through made me so incredibly happy. Picturing him with you, his little boy, is the happiest thought I’ve had in a long time. I couldn’t be happier and more excited to become a Mommy to you, my little man J ! Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails it is!!!

 

 

 

  About three more times during the ultrasound, just in case we missed it the 1^st time you let us know from several different angles “I’mma Boy! You wanna measure my legs? How about THIS? BOY!”  It was pretty funny. It made me think back to all of the little boys I watched in my days as a Nanny and how they just love to be naked. I’d walk into one of the houses I worked in and BAM naked 2 year old walking backwards down the front steps butt cheeks and everything on display. Happy as can be. Who needs clothes? The more I think about it the more excited I am to get to know you and learn about how to raise a happy little boy. I promise that I won’t pressure you into overly manly activities but will support you if you are interested in them! I promise to hold your hand as long as you want me too, but not so long that it embarrasses you in front of your friends. I promise to love and respect you and always be there for you. We are going to have fun together exploring the world through your eyes. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures ahead of us. I love you lil’ Mr. Mattson, you’re my boy Blue! YOU’RE MY BOY!

Here is a quick video clip from your ultrasound today, getting your kick on. Look at those glorious legs! Haha!

Intentions, Energy and Growth (and I’m not talking about my waistline)

 Good afternoon my mango sized schnuggle love muffin. I’m trying out a few nicknames on you. After deciding to publicly share my blog to you over the weekend it was brought to my attention (by a very smart & caring person) that I should consider not calling you by the nickname Danger. Not that I walk around the house rubbing my belly, signing “Danger Love, my DANGER love” because I don’t. The whole Danger thang is really just a joke that I blurted out in that scary ER visit we had. I call you my love, sweetie pie, schnookems, cupcake and other loving names when I talk to you. The point of this nickname suggestion change was based in a healers mind, that words and thoughts have power & energy & that it might relieve some stress or anxiety I have if I only address you in the most positive ways. I totally agree, even though Danger sounds totally kickbutt ;)

 

  This is not the first time that I’ve thought about words and intentions and what energies you put out into the world. I’ve thought about that quite a bit, especially over the last few years. Being thrown into emotional turmoil will bring a lot of things like that into focus. In the months following the loss of your sister emotions were obviously running high for us and many of those that we loved. I think that trauma brings you back to the basics in life in so many ways, especially your instincts. Do you know that feeling when you walk into a room where a fight or argument just took place? You might not even know that it happened yet but the feeling is heavy, awkward & uncomfortable. It’s the same thing when someone who has been stewing over something walks into the room, they don’t have to say a thing and you ask them “WHAT is wrong?”. I think that’s why so many people hate going to the hospital, because there is so much scared, nervous & negative energy hanging in the air that it overwhelms you. Well when you are in crisis, you are so much more sensitive to all of those energies and intentions of the people around you. It put some personal relationships to the test and in some cases fail. There were a lot of disappointments. Some people that we thought would be there to help me & your Dad through went missing, some fell short, some even lashed out at us when we were hurt. We had to try and step back and look at what their true intentions were and realize that some people just aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with this level of grief. We were actively working through the stages of grief while other people went into denial, got defensive or shut down completely. We grew so much by dealing with our loss head on. In fact, we grew so much in such a short period of time, that we outgrew some of those relationships and people who weren’t able to grow with us. While there was much pain and disappointment that went with this we knew that it wasn’t uncommon by any means. In a way we were lucky because it was only a small handful of people that this happened with. We were also amazed by all of the people in our lives who were willing to get emotionally deep down and dirty with us. Some people were really willing to just go there with us. Some people just “get it”. They weren’t afraid of talking about Ellie and how they felt about losing her or what she meant to them or talked about their own personal losses. They read books on grief, talked to counselors and just in general shared themselves with us. They weren’t afraid to be around us but also were completely understanding when we needed our space. That’s what we needed. People being authentic with us. Nobody knows what to say when someone we love dies, there isn’t much to say other than “I’m sorry, we loved and miss her too.” and just being there to listen. It’s really so simple. If someone came to us with love and kindness in their hearts, we felt it. It’s all about the energy. We were totally taken aback by the outpouring of love and support from a large number of our family and friends and in some cases perfect strangers. We were blessed in numbers in that department for sure. We’re so incredibly grateful for them and we know that not everyone is as fortunate as we are in that department. I know you will experience this ginormous amount of love and support when you arrive, you already are! So many family and friends are sending you their best energies, love and support all of the time! I know you must feel it because we sure do, it’s the best!  I’m working hard everyday to provide you with the most peaceful, loving environment that I can. Anxiety free? Maybe not but I’m working on it & guess what else? I love you! I love you! I loooooove youuuuu!